It is a moonless night. The perfect night to showcase the bleakness of my thoughts. The world is asleep but here I am contemplating my life because my brain forces me to examine every minuscule detail of my life. Most of the time, it is exhausting because I just want to go to sleep but sometimes, it helps me put my life into perspective even if it means I go to work with bags under my eyes. So, what is the thought for tonight? I do not even know.
First thought was about reminiscing about my senior high school days in boarding school. I hated my life in boarding school, but I found myself craving simpler times. When the only thing I worried about was passing my exams and boys. Such a fun time, I guess. Funny enough, that was the stage I suffered two massive breakdowns. My religious mother, bless her heart, attributed these tantrums to the ‘devil’ and I gladly played along. Perhaps it was the devil in me excusing my adolescent behaviours to showcase my displeasure in society.
So why was my mind bringing up my unpleasant time in boarding school? I think it is because I could get away with expressing any displeasure in whatever form I chose at that age. Whether it was screaming my mind off or just keeping to myself, my behaviour could just be attributed to being a teenager.
Now, I could be having a mental breakdown, but I have to act like an ‘adult’ and suck it in. Basically, keep it to yourself, because well, everybody life’s sucks in a way. ‘Do not make it about you,' I tell myself. I guess that is what makes me miss that timeline of my adolescent life. Although at the time I hated my life, the real-life makes me miss it more. I wish I could go back to where my ‘behaviour’ was explained away by a phase in my life.
What else was my mind thinking about?
Oh yeah, the rejections I had received from my job search. That in itself did not make me feel crappy, but it was my visit to LinkedIn that made me feel like crap. You all know how social media sometimes makes you feel. I am a pretty secure person in terms of my personal outlook and contentedness. But, seeing people’s achievements on there was like the LinkedIn app asking me, ‘What have you done with your life lately?’ Then I remembered and said to myself, ‘I have had accomplishments I am proud of, I just don’t feel the need to post it on my timeline.’ ‘Maybe I should,’ I think to myself. I am still deciding on it.
As if that was not enough, my brain decided I should scrutinise my relationship failures. Funny enough, whilst I am up typing this, a song I have never heard before has the singer singing about being a good woman in a relationship playing in my earphones. Seems like a coincidence or a sick cruel joke from my creator up above. Then I start the brain analysis, I am the last of all my group of friends who is still single. Whilst for the most part I am okay with it, sometimes it stinks that I do not have someone in my corner who is all about me. I sigh.
Now, I am exhausted with all these thoughts, but I am happy to have trained my mind to counter any negative and nagging thoughts with positive and concrete reasons that are meant to bring me down. For now, I have a winning strategy and I am winning the battle. How long will that last before it takes over my whole being? I do not know. But I sure hope I do not become secret best friends again with depression before it gets too late. The night sky is starting to lighten up. These 3 am thoughts are ushering in the next day. I wish the night could go on forever, but it is time to face life. Tomorrow, here I come.